Do You See What I See?

Joe Kelly

Executive Director, Dads and Daughters

A few years ago, I was walking down a New York City street when I encountered a Maidenform advertisement on the side of a bus shelter. It showed a young woman in a bra looking dreamily up into a big blue sky. In large letters across the top, the ad read: “Inner beauty only goes so far.” That slogan brought me up short. For a moment, I didn’t know why. Inner beauty only goes so far?  

Then I did something that I’d never done before but that I’ve done many times since. I imagined my daughter’s face in that ad. I instantly got angry and sick to my stomach. That strong reaction caught me by surprise. After all, I see and hear messages just like this every day, and most advertising is exaggerated. But with Mavis’ face in the picture, I couldn’t keep the slogan’s meaning out of my mind.

What if Mavis walked down the street in Manhattan and, every block, a guy approached and said, “You know, girl, inner beauty only goes so far.” If I were walking with her, I’d want to slug that guy! I don’t want anybody ever telling my daughter to believe such a lie, much less over and over again as she walks through her life.

When I tell this story, women and girls often say, “Now you’re seeing what we see all the time and getting a taste of how it feels to us.”  

Once I did begin to “see” it, my reaction was fierce because I don’t believe that “Inner beauty only goes so far” is one bit true for my daughter; and I don’t think it’s something any child - girl or boy - should believe. I know the sexist nature of the world. The violence towards women and the manipulation of women as objects in commercials. I think that bothers any father to differing degrees. I want to teach her that happiness flows from inside her mind, that it has nothing to do with the outside world at all. No matter what’s going on around her, and what the world is constantly telling her, there’s always this place she can tap into that will give her that happiness, the awe-inspiring perfectness of reality. When I look around at the media, it sure doesn’t seem like she’s going to find much of that out there.  

It’s true - our daughters get depressingly messed-up messages daily from the culture and from the media. I think the six-word Maidenform slogan crystallizes the worst of them. There are three major problems with the “Inner beauty only goes so far” message, and its corollary, “Outer beauty is what counts most.” First, they cloud our own vision and become cultural truisms. Second, these messages rain down on our daughters hundreds of times a day - on television, in school, newspapers, magazines, billboards, computer games. Third, precious few parents have given kids strong umbrellas to fight off the downpour.  

The good new is that fathers have what it takes to provide a good umbrella - and even to stop some of the rain. We start by putting our daughter’s face in the picture, learning to see the world through her eyes, and then testing how that feels.

Because I’m a man, I’m seldom conscious of - and don’t have to deal with - the constant bombardment of “Inner beauty only goes so far” messages through which she must maneuver everyday in our culture. This sort of thing doesn’t strike me unless I actively pay attention to it.

So how important is it for us to register the impact of media and culture on our daughters, especially if our influence on them is stronger than  “outside” influences?

We may master every possible skill at home to raise our daughters right and instill a strong sense of self, but they will still encounter those “outer beauty is what counts most” billboards. No matter how well we do at home, our daughters still live in a culture that has some very damaging values. If we are going to be fully effective fathers for our daughters, we have to raise our awareness of how our culture impacts our daughters - and respond accordingly.